


Losing Grip (on Sinking Ships)

by phloridas



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: (okay maybe i am a little), 2012 Phan, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Established Relationship, M/M, Piano, The Songs (you know the ones), get your tissues ready you're gonna need them, i'm not even sorry honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-07
Updated: 2017-05-07
Packaged: 2018-10-29 04:36:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10846608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phloridas/pseuds/phloridas
Summary: When tensions flare up and everything seems to fall to pieces around Dan and Phil, a few choice words may be all Phil needs to cut the string entirely. Can a couple songs be all he needs to convince him to stay, even for just a moment?





	Losing Grip (on Sinking Ships)

**Author's Note:**

> You're going to need some tissues for this. Also, for maximum feels, I suggest listening to [these](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xe3XCU7HejE) [versions](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QscSsrOIxk0) of The Songs™ (you know the ones), if you'd like. (They may or may not have made me tear up while editing this.)
> 
> I hope you enjoy!! (Title comes from This Love by Taylor Swift, by the way!)

_ “Isn’t this what you wanted, Dan? If you’re apparently  _ soooo disgusted _ by us being together then maybe we shouldn’t be anything at all! If that’s how little you think of me...I don’t want to see your stupid face ever again. I’m done.” _

_ “No, Phil, that’s not what I meant! You know I’m--Phil!” _

The words echo in his ears, a sharp snip of the golden thread that had bound them so tightly together for the past three years.

Well, Phil had meant what he said. He  _ had _ . Another crumpled up T-shirt lands in his suitcase. He doesn’t need someone who’s so ashamed to be seen with him. He could find someone who appreciates him for everything he is, warts and all. He  _ could _ .

Wait. Wait a second. 

Something behind the wall….but….no. 

No, it couldn’t be. That little shit. Does he honestly think Phil will come running back just because he was playing one song?  _ The _ song? Screw him. That boy doesn’t know anything, clearly.

Just as abruptly as the haunting melody began, though, a silence fills the apartment. Some magnetic force draws Phil’s ear to the wall, where--are those soft sobs he’s hearing? 

Shit. Phil ignores the ever-growing chasm tearing his heart in two. Dan will be fine. He’ll get over this. Besides, he was the one who gagged at the thought of a romantic relationship with Phil, right? This was what he  _ wanted. _

Flashes of memories play before Phil like some kind of sick highlight reel they show you at the end of your life. Manchester Piccadilly, the Christmas Adventure videos, Jamaica, how stupidly ecstatic he was at the prospect of living with Dan--how stupidly ecstatic they  _ both _ were. 

_ Stop it, Phil. That’s in the past now. You two clearly aren’t meant for each other; stop deceiving yourself. _

Suddenly, the music starts up again and it’s all Phil can do to keep himself from punching the wall. Or a pillow. Or something. God, just...who does Dan think he is, bringing up that song when he knows damn well how much it means to the both of them? It somehow has the audacity to sound even better on that disgustingly out of tune piano. 

A fire starts deep in Phil’s chest, climbing all the way up to somewhere behind his eyes, where a dampness suddenly grows on his cheeks.

No. No, he’s not going to cry over this, goddamnit. He’s a twenty five year old man! Had his parents taught him nothing?

Phil digs his fingers into his palms, sucks in a deep sniffly breath, and takes a look around the room. Well, he doesn’t need that much, does he? He’ll be back in a few days for Super Amazing Project filming (just the thought punctures a knife in his stomach, but he can hopefully get it together enough to at least be cordial by then). He can get the rest of his things then if he really wants to leave for the long haul. 

With shaking hands, he zips up the suitcase, feeling as if he’s closing up the best chapter of his life. 

One final glance around the room-- _ come on, you don’t need any of those stupid trinkets. And no, you definitely don’t need Lion, it’s not like you’re going to be filming anything, let’s go. _

But the plushie finds a way into the front pocket of his suitcase anyway.

Stepping out of that room honestly feels like approaching a battlefield. Even with Dan’s heartbreaking piano playing in the background, Phil can hear the throbbing of a bass drum in his ears--or maybe that’s just his heart. 

Everything in him is pulling him towards the gorgeous melody, to the sound of the song that had brought him together with his first and only true love. Phil has to remind himself that the feeling isn’t there anymore--it’s clearly one-sided. 

Like the lingering hint of an anxious question, though, the piano gradually drops off, stopping Phil in his tracks.

“Ph--Phil? Please, hon, just...you can’t actually be thinking of leaving. What--what about the Super Amazing Project? And creating the radio show?”

“I’ll be back for Super Amazing Project in a few days. I figure by then we’ll both have an idea of what we want to do. Plus, we can always figure out the radio show over Google Docs. You said you can’t stand being with me. Well, I can’t stand living with someone who thinks that little of me. Goodbye, Dan.”

“Wait, Phil!” In a flash, Dan is off the piano bench and rushing to the hallway, grabbing Phil’s arm with trembling fingers. Phil wrenches it back, his face likely as twisted up as his insides. 

“You’re telling me--you’re telling me those songs didn’t do anything to you? Interrupted b--by Fireworks and H--Holding My Thoughts? You didn’t feel a thing?” 

Dan’s eyes, usually so chocolatey brown and inviting, are now wide shining pools of despair, and it absolutely kills Phil to see him like this, but he brought it upon himself. He did, and now he’s paying for the consequences of his words. 

Good. He deserves to learn the hard truth one of these days. You can’t just say shit about someone to hundreds of thousands of followers and expect them to just take it in stride.

“Are you kidding me, Dan? That was the worst part! I felt--I felt  _ everything _ . Was that what you were trying to do? Make me remember all the--the memories we had together? Make it so I can’t leave?” 

_ Because it fucking worked. _ Tears sting the backs of Phil’s eyelids and he’s pissed, so pissed, but he can’t possibly let himself cry in front of Dan. What would he think of Phil then?

“I--well…”

“You think you don’t know--what those songs--what they  _ do _ to me? I can barely play Seven without thinking of us, which used to be fine, but now I literally can’t play my favourite game anymore, not ever. How do you think that feels?”

“Phil.  _ Phil _ .” Suddenly, Dan’s voice is a lot stronger and it takes Phil by surprise. He glances over at the tall boy instinctively, finding a desperate plea in those dark eyes. 

“Don’t you think that’s how I feel too? Don’t you think that  _ says _ something? I love you, Phil. I love you more than I love the entire  _ Final Fantasy _ franchise. It’s just really hard when people keep poking their noses into your relationship and try to dig up every speck of proof from your past. I honestly don’t know what to do besides going to extremes to ward them all off. You know I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”

“Then do what I do and just ignore them,” Phil sighs exasperatedly. A chink starts to break off of his iron armor. “You don’t  _ have _ to respond to all those questions, you know. Sure, it may be better for our careers to say that we’re just friends, but we could just leave it at that. You don’t have to reiterate it every time someone jumps into your inbox with some sort of ‘proof.’ Ambiguity, Dan. It’s really as simple as that.”

“But if I don’t tell them off, it’s just gonna multiply. You think it’s bad? Do you know what it’s like? Do you know what it’s fucking like, to check the danisnotonfire tag and see people digging far deeper into your personal life than they should be doing with anyone?” Dan runs a hand through his hair, making his fringe stand on end. “It’s terrifying. How do you think it feels to have your little brother call, tears in his voice because people have found his Facebook and are sending death threats because he won’t reveal private information--about  _ you? _ I just want them to stop.” 

And suddenly, Dan’s sliding down the wall, sobs tearing through his chest as his hands shield his face and he’s breaking apart, and so is Phil, but he can’t let that show. He can’t. Dan may be bearing a weight no one should ever have to carry, but that didn’t excuse his words. 

Maybe, though...maybe Phil could stay, for just a little bit. At least until he knew that Dan was okay.

“Hey. Yeah, I know it sucks and some people can be absolute assholes, but you can’t fight fire with fire, Dan. I know you try to be as pleasant as possible and that really does go a long way, but I can definitely detect the malice underneath--and if I can, then so can everyone else. You’ve gotta take a step back at some point. You can’t keep hurting yourself like this.”

Dan turns ever so slowly, eyes puffy and chest still heaving, and suddenly, a revelation hits Phil with the force of a speeding train. 

Dan never truly meant those words. He’s just a scared little boy, caught in a spotlight he never truly wanted in the first place. How was he supposed to know the right way to navigate these new waters? He and Phil belonged to the first generation of content creators, trailblazers in their own right, all attempting to figure out this weird thing called YouTube. They were bound to mess up sometimes. Who wouldn’t, after all?

“If I take a step back, it’ll only get worse, though,” Dan sniffles, and part of Phil wants to put his arm around the young boy, wipe away those tears and tell him that it’s alright, but something stops him. What if Dan just smacks his hand away? Phil can’t possibly take that rejection, not on top of everything else tonight. 

“You’ve seen what some of those crazy fangirls can do,” Dan continues. “We’ve been relatively lucky, but who knows what else could happen? I don’t want anyone waiting outside here, especially since we’ve just moved. I don’t think I could take any harassment from someone who calls themselves a ‘fan’ of me, or of us. I wish I could just go back to the old days, you know, where barely anyone knew who I was. Everything was a million times easier then. Even if we weren’t, you know, together all the time.” 

Phil feels a pang at the memory of those endless Skype calls. He can’t deny how grateful he is to have Dan with him every day now, even if he has been a bit of a twat recently.

“You don’t know how much I want that too, Dan. But think of the positives! Having all these subscribers opens us up to so many new opportunities, including this Radio 1 thing. And if that works out, it can only bring us more success and better opportunities. We could actually support ourselves--pretty well, may I add. Trust me, this is a good thing. These people find you interesting enough to want to meet you and talk to you! If some of them get a bit too crazy, well...you have me. Okay?” Phil glances over at Dan, his arms dying to reach around the cherub-faced boy, but his fear of rejection yet again stemming his movements.

“R--really? But weren’t you all ready to leave five minutes ago?”

“Dan.” Phil’s voice, softer than the freshly vacuumed carpet underneath them, forces Dan’s eyes to snap into contact with Phil’s own. Phil would give everything he ever owned to draw that hurt right out and never have to see it again.

“You may have said some shitty things about me, and I’m still not going to stand for that. You and I both know I deserve to be treated better.” Dan’s eyes trail back to the space between them, much wider than usual, as he absently picks at a thread of grey carpet.

“However. You only said those things because you were scared, and I understand that. The real world is a shitty place sometimes. Trust me, I know. But I’d be an even shittier person if I were to walk out on you in this state. We’re going to find a way through this together, okay? I promise.”

Just like that, Dan’s eyes fill again, and he tackles Phil just as Phil himself had done three years ago. “Phil, I--thank you, I love you so much, so  _ so _ much. I’m so sorry I ever hurt you. I’ll do absolutely anything to make it right again. I just...I love you so much. I promise I’ll never make you feel that way ever again. I can’t lose you, Phil.” Dan’s voice breaks with the smallest tremor that positively shatters Phil’s heart.

After the initial shock of contact, Phil wraps his arms tightly around Dan, grateful beyond words to finally feel that overwhelming familiarity again, and refuses to let go. How could he ever have even considered leaving this boy? Dan was every bit as integral to Phil’s life as Phil was to Dan’s--even if Dan hasn’t particularly liked showing it recently.

After a long while of just holding each other and appreciating the other’s heartbeat against their chests, Dan and Phil finally ease themselves back up, Dan’s hand lingering for just a moment longer in a tender stroke of Phil’s fringe. He trails it down until his fingers are suddenly tapping Phil’s own, which open up and wind around Dan’s instinctively. Without a word, Dan eases the two of them up and into his bedroom, where he sits himself on the wooden bench.

He pats the tiny space next to him and Phil obediently joins him, eyebrows raised and heart racing. These were his absolute favourite moments, when Dan felt comfortable enough to bless Phil with his musical gifts. That boy had talent coming out of his ears. It’s such a shame he so staunchly denies it.

Dan barely gets five notes in before the tears return, now trailing down Phil’s face, though he barely recognizes it. The familiar melody hits just as intensely as it had earlier that night, if not more. After everything they had been through, not just tonight, but the last three years? This song. This goddamn song.

Suddenly, Phil’s back in his old bedroom, gazing at the few pixels that held this boy who somehow brought both fascination and intense joy into his life all at once. Dan’s waffling again, this time about the music of his favourite video game, and Phil’s nodding his head with every word. 

How is it that he’s found someone who shares literally every single opinion he has of this game? Well, okay, it was sort of Dan who found Phil, but still! When they finally hit a quiet moment, Phil asks the one question that’s been burning in his mind ever since Dan first brought up the topic.

“What’s your all-time favourite  _ Final Fantasy VII _ song?”

“Ohhh Phil, you can’t just make me  _ choose! _ That’s like asking me my favourite Muse or Radiohead song. Okay, let’s see….oh!” Suddenly, even through his slightly fuzzy image, Dan’s cocoa eyes light up, a sight that sent Phil’s heart going crazy fast. “It’s extremely underrated but I’ve always loved Interrupted by Fireworks. I think it’s the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever heard and I’ve been dying to learn it on piano sometime but it might be really hard, I dunno.”

Is this real? Was he really hearing what he thought he was hearing? 

“Dan. No fucking way. That’s my favourite too! Well, one of them, next to Holding My Thoughts In My Heart. They’re just….god, I can’t even describe it. I always thought they’d be the first songs to play in the film version of my life when I was, well, really in love with someone.” Phil’s eyes suddenly can’t focus on his screen anymore. They dart all around the room as he hopes beyond all hope his blush isn’t visible through Dan’s equally horrible laptop.

“You know what. I’m going to learn those songs just for you, Phil, so I can play them in our next Skype call. Or maybe in a few calls since it might take a while.”

And now here he is, a little older and slightly more mature, playing these songs flawlessly for Phil and only Phil. Pride bubbles up and threatens to impede Dan’s piano playing like a firecracker. How two simple pieces of music could hold so much meaning to him was beyond Phil, but he was eternally grateful for the person who gave them that meaning.

Phil nestles his head into Dan’s shoulder while the other doesn’t even halt for a second in his perfect execution. Dan could probably play these pieces in his sleep by now. The thought fills Phil with an inexplicable joy.

Right then and there, Phil decides, whatever happens, there’s no way he can  _ ever _ leave Dan. Would he ever find someone who completed him just as perfectly as Dan did? A thought suddenly permeates his consciousness, blinking Phil ever so gently out of his lovesick haze:

He can’t wait to walk down the aisle to that song, witnessing the talented man beside him in all his glory.

_ One day, Phil. One day. _

No matter how near or far that day may be, Phil was willing to wait for Dan as long as it took for him to be ready. They already knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together anyway. Who says they had to put a label on it anytime soon?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, and I apologize for any heartbreak this may have caused. Complaints can be directed to the comments or to [@phloridas](http://phloridas.tumblr.com) on Tumblr. I hope you're having a wonderful day/night wherever you are and if not, I'm sending you all my love and hugs! Remember, life always finds a way of shining a light even in the darkest of times. <3


End file.
